Some men – who perhaps wouldn’t see themselves as rapists, though understand consent – may believe that they are entitled to sex, if a woman flirts with and/or kisses them i.e., these things are taken as signals or “green lights” that things will culminate in sexual intercourse etc.
They may not be able to accept that consent can be withdrawn, or that previous consent doesn’t de-facto mean consent in the future e.g., they believe that a one-night stand means that this person is perpetually available to them etc. An individual male or female is entitled to bring someone back to their room/apartment with the intention of sleeping with them and then change their mind.
A slow, romantic, close dance on a nightclub floor followed by an invitation to come back to your house because in that moment you intended to sleep with them, doesn’t obligate you to, if/when you change your mind. Consent can be refused and withdrawn at any moment.
Unfortunately, there are those who don’t accept this and believe they are entitled to continue, regardless of what you want. This is especially true of people who feel they’ve “invested” in some way or have given something up to be with you etc. There are also communities and locales where the sexual value systems encourage this way of thinking. This doesn’t make them “right” or something you have to conform to but rather something you should be aware of.
Consent has to be “actively” sought i.e. not saying “no” doesn’t equal consent. The woman Brock Turner sexually assaulted was unconscious, and not able to give consent. Brock Turner knew what he was doing was “wrong” because when he was discovered with her behind a dumpster by two fellow students, he ran.
Whilst he was apparently (according to his testimony) drunk enough to be unaware that he was doing something wrong in the first place, and that alcohol had caused him to act out of character, he was clearly sober enough to recognize that he shouldn’t/couldn’t get caught for his actions.
Despite however much he’d had to drink, he knew that he didn’t have the other person’s consent i.e., a perpetrator of a sex crime regardless of the amount of alcohol or drugs in their system knows and makes the choice to commit the offense.
Maybe without the substances, they would have lacked the confidence to do so, however had they been sober and a similar opportunity presented itself, they would have taken it. Drugs and alcohol are easy things to explain and blame for the offending when caught, however the dark fantasies that create and fuel sexual assaults started a long time before the actual incident occurred.
People don’t become sexual predators in a moment, or because of an opportunity, that desire and urge to enjoy power and control over a person and release whatever degree of anger happened a long time before.
Brock Turner wouldn’t have shared these sexual fantasies with his father after cooking them both breakfast, but all the research suggests he was having them a long time before the actual assault occurred i.e., these fantasies, rather than alcohol were responsible for his sexual assault.
Asking and giving consent within a relationship that is starting to develop sexually can be embarrassing e.g., it may be embarrassing to be asked by someone if you want to have sex with them; it can also be embarrassing to ask.
Being open about wanting to consent, and not to consent, or not to consent at a particular time is usually less embarrassing, especially in the long run. It’s also important not to confuse “bad” consensual sex with rape or sexual assault. Regretting that we engaged sexually with someone doesn’t necessarily mean we didn’t consent at the time; most people look back at certain sexual encounters and realize that they might have been a mistake or weren’t worth the time/effort etc.
However, sometimes it takes time to recognize and realize that consent wasn’t given and in fact a sexual assault/rape did occur. It can also take time to process emotions and recognize the significance of something that happened to us.
Some people believe that if a person didn’t report it immediately, it probably didn’t happen or that it shouldn’t be classified as rape. It should be understood that admitting to being sexually victimized to oneself, let alone to others, is extremely depressing.
There are many definitions of “trauma” but one simple one which captures the significant elements, involves being subjected to a frightening/highly stressful experience over which you had/felt no control.
Often, it is the lack of control element that makes us feel ashamed i.e., we don’t want to admit to others that we were powerless in a situation. This is why we often search for reasons why we were to blame for what happened to us, as it allows us to believe we were responsible and in a strange way somehow/somewhat in control of what happened to us. When we do this, we get to trade “shame”, which we can think of as “public guilt” to something that is private i.e., guilt.
It is also worth noting that just because someone didn’t fight back or say, shout or scream something during a sexual encounter they didn’t consent to, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t raped or sexually assaulted (this is another rape myth). People respond to fear differently, and some freeze as well as losing their ability to speak. Consent needs to be actively sought rather than simply assumed, and the absence of a negative response and/or fighting back doesn’t indicate that consent was given.