We have a reluctance to say “no”, because we know that this can lead to confrontation and/or someone thinking less of, or even negatively about us.
This can be especially difficult when we are dealing with someone we know and who is in our social network, such as the best friend of our partner; we start to think not just about how the person we are dealing with may react to our “no” but also how others, including our partner, may judge us for saying it/refusing somebody else’s request(s)/demand(s).
As social creatures we generally want to be liked by others and seen as positive individuals who want to make things happen for ourselves and others e.g., we don’t want to be seen as people who refuse help to others.
After telling Mike that you know nothing about a car maintenance manual and that because of the nature of your partner’s work you can’t contact him about this, Mike may offer to come in and find it, if you’ll let him e.g., “Don’t worry about that, I know exactly where the book is. Let me come in, and I’ll be out of your hair in two minutes.”
At this point, though you can’t put your finger on it, something feels off/wrong. This is because your fear system has been triggered; this is not a “normal” situation, however Mike is trying to present it.
When our fear system gets triggered, we need to take note. Sometimes the system is overly cautious and informs us to other people’s actions/behaviors that look like they may contain harmful intent but don’t e.g., the person walking behind us may trigger a fear response, but pass us by without incident etc., however our fear system is usually only triggered when something “appears” to be a credible threat, such as the footsteps behind us – which on investigation may not be; but worth investigating because if we don’t we could be ignoring a threat.
If in a situation we feel nervous/unsure then there is something in our environment that is causing us to feel this way, and we need to investigate it rather than deny or discount what we are feeling/experiencing.
Most women have encountered, on at least one occasion, a man who didn’t take “no” for an answer. A person who just kept, chip, chip, chipping away, at every “no” given, with the belief that they were entitled to receive a “yes” as a reward for their persistence.
It may be that on previous occasions they were able to wear certain individuals down, that not taking no for an answer was a successful strategy for them, and they ended up getting what they wanted.
On this occasion you refuse to let Mike in, citing that the house is a bit of a mess and you’re in the process of cleaning/tidying it up, so now really isn’t a good time. You suggest that he come back later when your partner is at home.
Rather than accepting this Mike continues to argue why this won’t work and that this is the only time he has available. He also keeps reiterating, every time you say “no”, that it will only take a minute, and then he’ll be done. Anyone who isn’t acknowledging your “no” but discounting it, is looking to get a “yes”, which means you are starting to hand over control of the situation/interaction to them, a key feature/goal of grooming.
Often, we can inadvertently fall into a process of “negotiation” where we try “new” arguments to back up and qualify a “no”; something that we shouldn’t have to do e.g., we may first tell Mike that the reason this isn’t a good time is because our house is a mess, and we are in the process of tidying/cleaning it.
When our “no” isn’t accepted i.e., our refusal to let him in, and he persists, we may think that another argument/reason will convince him, such as that, we’ve rearranged the bookcase, so it’s unlikely that the book will be where he thinks it is etc.
When someone doesn’t respect our “no”, and we start justifying it, adding reason, after reason to justify it, we often look weak, and unsure of ourselves i.e., if our first “no” needs many additional reasons to justify it, it doesn’t look strong, and it doesn’t look like we actually have confidence in it.
As well as trying/attempting to get into our house, Mike may be testing us to see how easily/quickly he can turn our “no” into a “yes” i.e., how easily do we hand control of a situation over to him. A “no” must stay a “no”, and we should not add to or change the reasons why we first gave it.
Often predatory individuals – and sometimes pushy ones – will deliberately test the strength of our “no” in a small way e.g., a person/stranger in a bar, sitting next to you, may ask if they can buy you a drink. Initially you might say “no”, but with a little bit of gentle persuasion you acquiesce, thinking, what harm can come from accepting one drink.
It may be that the individual offering it to you has no harmful intent. However, if you are dealing with a predatory individual, they could be testing how easily you hand over control of a situation to them, and if you are so averse to a potential confrontation, that you agree to the drink because you’re scared of offending him, and potentially making him angry etc.
These things act as green lights for predators, confirming to them that they have targeted the right person. They may keep testing and pushing your boundaries looking for gaps, and to see how rigid or flexible they are. At some point in the process, they may push open a door that you find difficult to refuse, such as asking for you to go to a different bar with them. They wouldn’t have started out with this request, however it now becomes much more difficult to refuse.
When someone is discounting your “no”, it is good to demonstrate to them that you wish to stay in control of the situation. Remind them that you have said no, you’ve given them a reason – which you weren’t obligated to do – and they need to respect that.
It is not your responsibility to solve Mike’s problem(s) e.g., if this is the only time he has to pick up the maintenance manual that is on him, not you. A key feature of many internet and other scams is to create a sense of urgency e.g., if you don’t respond to an email in the next ten minutes your account will be locked, your credit card will be charged, and you will start incurring fees etc.
Mike might have an urgent need of the manual/book but that is his responsibility, not yours. Discounting a person’s “no” is disrespectful at best but is something that predatory individuals do, for all the reasons described. Whilst a person may eventually accept that arguing with you isn’t going to get what they want, there are still other tools that they can use to try to overturn your “no”.